


If You'll Have Me

by Miss_Vile



Series: Nygmobblepot One Shots [1]
Category: Gotham (TV)
Genre: ...sort of, Bickering, Ed is dumb (as usual), Fake/Pretend Relationship, Love Confessions, M/M, Marriage Proposal, Murder Husbands, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-19
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-05-14 17:08:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19277707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miss_Vile/pseuds/Miss_Vile
Summary: The whole situation was so surreal. Oswald had zoned out the entirety of their limo ride back home. He barely even noticed that Ed had the driver stop at the winery to procure a bottle of Château Margaux. It looked expensive but, based on how Edward pulled it out of his jacket, he likely stole it. Typical Ed Nygma behaviour. Oh... Ed Nygma-COBBLEPOT behaviour. That was going to take some getting used to.





	If You'll Have Me

“Ed... this is a marriage license.”

 

“It is!” Ed clapped his hands together eagerly

 

Edward had just rattled off a series of convoluted riddles before gifting Oswald the envelope. He read over the words again and again but they still didn't seem real. The names _Edward Eugene Nygma_ and _Oswald Chesterfield Cobblepot_ written in Ed's unmistakable hand.

 

“Are you asking me to marry you?” Oswald's heart pounded in his chest

 

“Yes! Well, _legally_ speaking.” he cleared his throat and nervously adjusted his bowler hat, “I assure you, this is purely a business arrangement.”

 

“...A _business_  arrangement?”Oswald was straining under the pressure of his frustration. He could feel the veins in his forehead pulsing angrily, “And why, pray tell, should I agree to such a ludicrous betrothal?”

 

“Spouses are granted special privileges. Namely that they can't be forced to testify against one another in a court of law! And, if either of us ever gets arrested, we could have conjugal visits and plan an escape! We also-”

 

“-I get it, Ed. No need to elaborate any further.” Oswald raised a hand to shut the taller man up. _Absolutely ridiculous!_ He thought.

 

“So, do you accept my proposal?” Ed asked. An innocent hesitancy to his voice.

 

“If you really think it would benefit us, then yes.” Oswald rolled his eyes. He couldn't believe what he was agreeing to. But, if Edward really thought this was worth pursuing, who was he to deny him?

 

“Excellent!” He clapped again and bobbed his head from side to side. Oswald couldn't help but find him adorable.

 

“So... are we going to have a ceremony?”

 

“Oh, that won't be necessary.” Ed tucked the envelope into his suit jacket, “Unless, of course, you want one?”

 

“No... That's fine.” Oswald choked a bit. He had always been a man who valued tradition and finery. He had never thought about the possibility of getting married but the concept of an elaborate ceremony and beachside reception certainly sounded appealing.

 

Instead, they just went to the Gotham City Courthouse. No flowers or bells. Just the signing of a few papers and BAM! Newlyweds. Mr. and Mr. Nygma-Cobblepot.

 

The whole situation was so surreal. Oswald had zoned out the entirety of their limo ride back home. He barely even noticed that Ed had the driver stop at the winery to procure a bottle of Château Margaux. It looked expensive but, based on how Edward pulled it out of his jacket, he likely stole it. Typical Ed Nygma behaviour. Oh... Ed Nygma- _Cobblepot_ behaviour. That was going to take some getting used to.

 

“To us! And to the look on Jim Gordon's face when he finds out!” Ed held up his glass after they had eaten dinner. He had insisted on cooking. Steak and potatoes made with Hungarian spices. An assortment of greens. He even made cheesecake with chocolate ganache. All of Oswald's favorites.

 

Oswald gave what he assumed was a convincing smile before toasting and downing the rest of his wine in one gulp. He had apparently been making a face because Edward suddenly looked concerned, “Is everything alright?”

 

“Hm? Yes... I just... my leg. This weather makes it ache is all.” He stood up and balanced himself on his cane, “You finish eating. I'll just be over by the fire.”

 

Oswald made his way to his usual spot on the sofa. Edward joined him shortly after with a fresh glass of wine.

 

“Oh... Thank you, Ed.” He gave a weary smile and set the wine on the table beside him.

 

“Of course, _husband_.” Ed beamed

 

Oswald's eyes widened. He opened his mouth to protest but was quickly distracted by the fact that Edward was now kneeling in front of him on the floor.

 

“What are you doing?” he gulped

 

“You said your leg hurt. I want to help.” He motioned to Oswald's dress shoe, “May I?”

 

“You don't have to.”

 

“That doesn't answer my question.”

 

“...Sure. Yeah. Whatever.” He blushed.

 

Ed removed his shoe and dress sock. Oswald couldn't help but look away in embarrassment when Ed began rolling up his pant leg. He was still self-conscious about how his injury looked. Though, it didn't phase Edward in the slightest.

 

Oswald let out a groan as Edward began massaging the muscles of his calves and pads of his foot. It would normally have been too much pressure but, with Edward's skilled fingers, it was enough to make Oswald sink into the couch and lull his head from side to side.

 

“You seem to be enjoying yourself.” Edward chuckled

 

“Yes. I suppose I am.” He felt himself blush again, “Thank you, Edward.”

 

“Anything for you, husband.”

 

“Why do you keep calling me that?” Oswald snapped. He hadn't meant to sound angry but the alternative was to cry. So, anger it was.

 

“Because we're married?” Ed gave a nervous chuckle

 

“I thought this was purely business?” Oswald raised an eyebrow

 

“I... Yes. It is.”

 

“Then stop it. I don't like you calling me that.” _It hurts too much to hear you say that and have it not mean anything_ , was what he wanted to say.

 

“Sorry. How silly of me... of _course_ calling you that would have made you angry. We don't even love each other!” Ed laughed, “I just thought-”

 

“Ed.” He held up a hand, “Shut up. I'm tired of listening to you talk.”

 

Edward apparently took him at his word because the manor was eerily quiet for several days. Oswald had seen his husband stalking around but he had barely spoken to him. That was until he heard Edward yelling at himself in his office.

 

“Edward, what is all this?” Oswald gestured to the assortment of jewelry and brochures spread out across several tables.

 

“Ugh! I can't figure this out!” Edward growled, “I've managed to narrow it down to three designers but I can't decide what kind of ring to get! Do you like silver? Gah! That's a stupid question. Of _course_ you'd prefer gold. You've always preferred gold! What about gemstones? I prefer emeralds but my preferences don't matter! Amethysts are so cheap though... Oh! Maybe I can ask for purple diamonds.”

 

“Slow down, Ed. What on Earth are you talking about?”

 

“Our wedding bands.”

 

“Our what?” His tone was flat

 

“I was going to commission some wedding bands. But, I can't decide what to get.”

 

“Why do we need wedding bands?” asked Oswald

 

“Because, if we're going to make this look like a legitimate marriage then we should have rings!”

 

“Is that so?” Oswald crossed his arms. _A wedding ceremony wasn't necessary but wedding bands are? Unbelievable..._

 

“Yes! And they have to be perfect!” Edward looked exhausted. Had he slept? His hair was sticking up in every direction and there were bags under his eyes.

 

“I really don't see why it matters.” Oswald remarked

 

“It matters to me.” Ed mumbled under his breath. He seemed genuinely hurt by Oswald's dismissal.

 

Oswald was taken aback by that. He hadn't meant to hurt Edward's feelings. It was probably just another manic obsession. He got like that sometimes. Oswald sighed.

 

“This one.” Oswald picked up the band that had caught his eye. It was a beautiful matte black finish. Almost velvet looking and made of Tungsten steel. Unconventional but sturdy. It was symbolic of them, in a way. The interior of the band was lined with 18 karat rose gold.

 

“You like this one?” Ed asked, the ring delicately deposited into the palm of his hand

 

“I do.” said Oswald

 

“Then it's perfect.” Edward's smile practically lit up the room. Oswald couldn't help but suck in a breath. This man was beautiful... it was difficult telling him 'No' most of the time.

 

Edward retrieved their rings from the shop about a week later and was eager to see Oswald put his on. However, Edward hadn't been expecting him to refuse. Oswald had tried it on once while Ed was out of the room. He absolutely despised it. Not because it wasn't a perfect fit or because it wasn't flattering... it was just a heavy and aching reminder of how much of a farce all of this was. He hated the way it looks on his hand. He hated how excited Ed is over them. And he _especially_ hated how much Edward is nagging at him.

 

“For the last time, NO! I'm not wearing it.”

 

“I don't see why you're complaining! You're the one that picked it out!”

 

“I never agreed to actually wear it!”

 

“But that was the whole point of getting them! You can't tell me that the idea of strolling into the GCPD wearing matching wedding bands isn't at least a little bit amusing.”

 

“No, Ed. I don't find it amusing. Nothing about this is amusing.” Oswald confessed. His husband gasped.

 

“Please, Oswald. Just-”

 

Before Oswald could really think, he had thrown the ring across the room. They could both hear it bounce off of the walls in the hall, passed the banisters, and down the stairs. Each time it bounced off one of the steps, Edward flinched- his eyes never leaving Oswald's. They continued staring long after the sound of metal clanking on wood floors had stopped. Neither of them wanted to speak.

 

Edward spun around on his heels and left the room. Slamming the door behind him.

 

Oswald slumped down in his chair. With his face in his hands, he cried. He had been holding back ever since Ed handed him that damn envelope. He had been so hopeful. His heart was filled to bursting and then the reality of it all came crashing down on him when Ed revealed it was all for the sake of a joke at Jim Gordon's expense. A 'business arrangement'. Nothing more.

 

He had never stopped loving Edward. Not for a second. It's why he couldn't bring himself to kill Edward and instead had him frozen. It's also why he refused to freeze him again after he saw what kind of damage it had done to him. It's why he gave up his revenge, why he had him brought to Hugo Strange, and why he jumped in front of a grenade and sacrificed his eye...

 

But this... this was too much. He was married to the man he loved but he wasn't loved in return. He felt humiliated. He should have known this wouldn't have worked. He had humored Ed but this was proving to be the one thing he wasn't willing to give him.

 

There was a knock at the door.

 

“Come in.” Oswald sighed, rubbing at his temples.

 

Edward glided across the room. His face stoic. He didn't say a word as he approached.

 

“What is it now?”

 

Edward pulled a green velvet box from his coat pocket and slid it across the desk, “Open it.”

 

Oswald does. Inside the box is an antique looking ring. Newly restored and practically glowing. Oswald can barely breathe. The ring is Art Deco in style. At the center of the ring is a large black diamond surrounded by smaller crystal clear ones. _Gaudy_ , Oswald thinks, _Mother would have certainly approved_.

 

“That's not all.” Ed tilts his head towards the box.

 

Oswald examined it and noticed that hidden in the lid was a folded piece of yellowed parchment. He looked back up at Ed as if awaiting further instruction. Edward just stood there patiently. Oswald sighed, pulled the monocle from his waistcoat pocket and unfolded the paper.

 

Oswald hitched a breath and immediately started to cry all over again as he read the words at the top of the letter aloud, “My dearest Gertrud...” He looked up, “E-Ed, where did you find this?”

 

“Keep reading and I'll tell you.” Ed smiled

 

Oswald read the letter aloud:

 

_My Dearest Gertrud,_

_I pray this letter finds you. If not physically, then spiritually. For there is no doubt in my mind the depth of our connection and love._

_You truly are the light of my life and I can only hope that I am yours as well. That night we shared together all those weeks ago has replayed in my mind more times than I dare to admit. I would very much like for us to have many more nights like it. A lifetimes worth, if you will have me._

_Yours Forever,_

_Elijah_

 

Oswald looked up at the man in green.

 

“I found it in the attic.” Edward beamed, “I had it cleaned and refitted.”

 

“Refitted? Why?”

 

“It dawned on me that I had neglected to get you an engagement ring.” Edward walked around the desk and took the ring from the box. He took Oswald's hand into his but Oswald quickly pulled it away.

 

“Ed, this is cruel. Even for you.” He was crying from anger now, “I appreciate you giving this to me but I will _not_ have its memory tainted by your sick game.”

 

“I'm not trying to be cruel, Oswald.” Ed desperately reached out towards his husband and cupped his face in his hands. Oswald flinched at the unexpected touch but didn't pull away. Ed continued, “I... I know you don't feel the same way I do, Oswald. How could you? At first, I had just used the strategic advantage as an excuse to marry you but... This was something that I wanted for myself.”

 

Edward quickly pulled his hands away and took a step backward, “I was selfish. I'm sorry.” he placed the ring back in the box and turned away in shame. As he reached the door, a familiar tug on his arm stopped him. He turned to see Oswald- eyes full of stars. The smile on his face was unmistakable. Edward hitched his breath as Oswald slowly lowered himself to a knee.

 

“Edward Nygma, you are the biggest idiot I know.” he smiled, “And I want nothing more than to spend a lifetime at your side. If you'll have me.” Oswald took Edward by the hand and slipped the engagement ring that had originally been meant for his mother- and then him- onto Edward's finger. Oswald looked up at his husband and awaited his response.

 

“Edward?”

 

“Mm hmm?”

 

“Is that a 'yes' or...?”

 

“Yes! Oh dear, _yes!”_ Edward hoisted Oswald back up to his feet and began peppering his face with kisses.

 

That following month, they had planned a reception party at the newly opened Iceberg Lounge. They made sure to send Jim Gordon a special invitation. They even delivered it to him- hand in hand- at the GCPD. The look on his face was absolutely worth it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was a discarded idea from a different fic.
> 
> I literally wrote this on a bunch of scrap paper at work and didn't bother polishing it or spending a bunch of time on it since I have so many other projects. But I'm still really satisfied with the result. I hope you enjoyed it!


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